At 4.20PM, Saturday December 21st, i started typing this entry, not only to fully season my new keyboard and test it to the max, but also to post about the year for me.
It has been a very tiring 2013 for me. All the ups and down in life. All the friends i made and all the obstacles i encountered.
There had been may mistakes in the year 2013. More than just a few mistakes that i made. Then there are the times when you would just wish you could turn back time and sort things out. Just hoping that you didn't say what you just said.
It was a tough year for me indeed. I fought with my parents, my friends, my soul...
I lost some battles, won a handful of them, and just got stuck in between some of them.
There was much up and down in the life of 2013. More downs then up perhaps?
I was thinking of killing myself again, just a few weeks ago because i was just so angry at myself.
But i threw those thoughts aside and move on with my life.
Then there is the new house, where i got my own room and area to study in. I even got my own desktop now! It just feels fantastic. But now going to work is a chore... And moving everything from the old house to the new is even more tiring. Its just so draining sometimes i feel like i should just skip work and stay at home to rest.
But this is life. Changes happens and you can either embrace it or just be a bitch and sit down complaining about it instead of doing anything about the problem which in some instances you really can.
O well. i'm getting super sleepy anws. I'm just gonna go and sleep for a while and then i'm off to work. Gosh i hope it's not crowd today... So tired alrdy cos of moving....
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
Last Try, Last Wish, My Destiny
It has been so long, too long, since i got the chance to sit down and just blog about my current haywire life. I look back at the past 1-2months as i listen to songs, and realise how much time i have wasted, how much pain i caused myself, how much i have chewed off, how much i have managed, how much i have failed, how much i have disappoint...
The past few days had been a torture. Yea sure it was fun on Sunday, when we went for outing with PeiPei. But i think because of all the stress and all the nights when i had to wake up in the middle of the night only to realise that it was a nightmare, it was because of all that, and i over stressed myself. Cycling had always been fun, but i might have played too hard on Sunday. Now i'm battling a severe backpain that don't seem to be going away. Not only that, all the stress of the upcoming common test... I mean the thought of having just 2 weeks left to prepare for the common test is freaking me out. But i guess i have to make a few decisions. There will be things i have to let go next two weeks, things i got to put aside because of school, test and everything.
Not only that, my life has been a torture the last few weeks. Every time i get to sit down to rest, i just don't feel like getting up after that. The pain in my back and the stresses about everything around me is really taking its toll, but there are things i want to do and things i don't wanna let go off. And the irony of this whole thing is that those things i do not want to let go of most are things that i love the most. I ask myself time and time again what i am living for, if my life is worth anything anymore, if i'm worth to anyone...
Yet i cannot be so stupid, so selfish to end my life. My suicidal thoughts are coming back again, but everytime i have them, i think about the people around me and i couldn't do it. I think about the people i care about, the people i love so much, but at the same time, i question myself of my worth, if i'm even worth any shit at all. I don't wanna die young, yet it seems like the best solution to all the problems.
I don't know anymore what to do, but i guess i'll just have to try one last time. If this doesn't work i might be ready to give up, and walk out on myself. If i cannot cure the demon in me, kick out the demon that lives within, my souls would already have been consumed and i wouldn't be living a life worth anything anyways. I'll try this one last time to put everything right and piece together this broken life of mine. That hope i'm clinching on to, i must hold on forever. At the least i should be glad i can still find the pieces, but trying to put them together would be a challenge. With my health just deteriorating, i simply don't know how long more i can last...
And if i couldn't make it, my only wish, my last wish, is for my friends and my family to move on from this, to understand that i'm just an idiot that didn't take control of my life and let my feelings get over me and consumed myself. Friends, don't follow my footsteps. Your lives must be worth much more. And to those who i've been kind to, for those who i've been tolerant with and for all those that i have always forgive, please just remember that i once existed. Just remember me and move on, i'm not worth your grieve. And to my family, all i can say is, i'm sorry. Sorry for disappointing all of you...
So now this is it isn't it? It is My Destiny now. I will see how things go. I will push my life through or crumble. It is my decision and only i alone can decide my fate. Death, or life, there is only one chance. This ain't a game, but even if it is, it has no revives, and i have already been playing for 19 years... Lets see how this will end, shall we?
The past few days had been a torture. Yea sure it was fun on Sunday, when we went for outing with PeiPei. But i think because of all the stress and all the nights when i had to wake up in the middle of the night only to realise that it was a nightmare, it was because of all that, and i over stressed myself. Cycling had always been fun, but i might have played too hard on Sunday. Now i'm battling a severe backpain that don't seem to be going away. Not only that, all the stress of the upcoming common test... I mean the thought of having just 2 weeks left to prepare for the common test is freaking me out. But i guess i have to make a few decisions. There will be things i have to let go next two weeks, things i got to put aside because of school, test and everything.
Not only that, my life has been a torture the last few weeks. Every time i get to sit down to rest, i just don't feel like getting up after that. The pain in my back and the stresses about everything around me is really taking its toll, but there are things i want to do and things i don't wanna let go off. And the irony of this whole thing is that those things i do not want to let go of most are things that i love the most. I ask myself time and time again what i am living for, if my life is worth anything anymore, if i'm worth to anyone...
Yet i cannot be so stupid, so selfish to end my life. My suicidal thoughts are coming back again, but everytime i have them, i think about the people around me and i couldn't do it. I think about the people i care about, the people i love so much, but at the same time, i question myself of my worth, if i'm even worth any shit at all. I don't wanna die young, yet it seems like the best solution to all the problems.
I don't know anymore what to do, but i guess i'll just have to try one last time. If this doesn't work i might be ready to give up, and walk out on myself. If i cannot cure the demon in me, kick out the demon that lives within, my souls would already have been consumed and i wouldn't be living a life worth anything anyways. I'll try this one last time to put everything right and piece together this broken life of mine. That hope i'm clinching on to, i must hold on forever. At the least i should be glad i can still find the pieces, but trying to put them together would be a challenge. With my health just deteriorating, i simply don't know how long more i can last...
And if i couldn't make it, my only wish, my last wish, is for my friends and my family to move on from this, to understand that i'm just an idiot that didn't take control of my life and let my feelings get over me and consumed myself. Friends, don't follow my footsteps. Your lives must be worth much more. And to those who i've been kind to, for those who i've been tolerant with and for all those that i have always forgive, please just remember that i once existed. Just remember me and move on, i'm not worth your grieve. And to my family, all i can say is, i'm sorry. Sorry for disappointing all of you...
So now this is it isn't it? It is My Destiny now. I will see how things go. I will push my life through or crumble. It is my decision and only i alone can decide my fate. Death, or life, there is only one chance. This ain't a game, but even if it is, it has no revives, and i have already been playing for 19 years... Lets see how this will end, shall we?
Saturday, 28 September 2013
Power of feelings
I have lost count already. Can't remember how many times i have posted something related to the Anime Fairy Tail. But honestly, it is the best anime ever. Their quotes are amazing and each of them is a fact that can be related to what we experience in real life.
Master Mavis Vemillion, the first master of the Guild Fairy Tail, said this quote at the magic games. She said, that "There are wallas that can't be broken through power alone. But if there is a power that can break through those walls. it is the Power of Feelings."
I have posted countless times, about how we can no longer live without friends in this world. Because in this world where dog eat dog, where the world is often thrown into chaos and most importantly, with the high cost of living and endless problems of our country, we definitely need friends we can trust, friends we believe in, and friends that will never leave.
Hold on to these feelings that your friends give you. Never let go of the bonds you have made with your friends over a quarrel or some minor things. All the troubles and fights you have been through with your friends should make you stronger and stronger. When your friends understand you, when your friends knows the difficulties you have, and when your friends are there for you, the worst you could do is to tell them, "Go away, i don't need you anymore."
These Bonds, these Feelings that you have developed with your friends, will forever be with you. They become your power, your strength. It is your choice, to either make sure you dont waste this power that you have been granted, or just do nothing about it and give up everything. Support from your friends is priceless. They are there for you always, even in your darkest hour. They help you overcome all your troubles, they study with you and keep you focused when you can't.
The power of feelings can break down any wall, push aside any obstacles and weather through any storms. It is your choice, to either push your friends aside and try to impress those that don't care, or hold on to your friends and tell them that they matter.
It is your choice, it is what give you the Power.
This is the Power to feeling, the Power of feelings..
Friday, 13 September 2013
Trust, the easiest word to say, the hardest to do
I can hardly count the number of times i have blogged about this topic.
I can hardly count the number of times people i have trusted stabbed me straight in my back
I will never forget the times i decided to trust, only to find the people i trust turning around and stabbing me straight in my back.
Yet these are the people who make me realise that there are people out there i really can trust.
They were right in front of me, while i was busy freaking out and trying to please those who didn't care about me. I ignored them, i forgot about them, i neglected them.
And now i realise the pain i have put myself through for months already, and the fact that i actually only need a handful of people i trust, instead of having a load of people around me, not knowing who will stay and who will leave the next moment.
My friends, i'm sorry that i try time after time after time to test if you all sold me out, if you all backstabbed me, instead of trying to believe and trust you all. I'm more than lost in my world now, i really no longer see the light that had always brightly lead the way.
It is kind of ironic, how i am now standing here in my living room, on my result day, typing and blogging about something i have already done before.
Yet today might just be the day.
Yesterday, i realised that i had what i have always wanted in front of my eyes. I found someone i could believe in and confide in.
Someone i could trust forever.
However, i feel insecure still even though i have found the someone.
Perhaps it is because of the time i have sacrificed for those who don't care about me.
It could be the energy that i have wasted trying to make things perfect for them.
Is this the reason i cry?
Because i feel that i have given my all for those people, and that i will never stop caring for them.
Of course time would tell if i really mean anything at all, and time would tell if i should still believe in them.
The number of time i am willing to overlook all the mistakes you people have made, is countless.
Time will tell the truth, and truth will be told.
I was put through all the pain, Karma will be a bitch to you people
Have your guard up, because karma will be a bitch.
Sacrificed so much to gain only so little.
"For what," I ask myself.
Those that didn't matter will never matter to me, but
Who are those that don't matter?
Care was what they have promised me, that they will be here for me and never leave my side
About time they remembered that promise isn't it.
"Me" will should disappear, and I will be gone, but what do they care?
"Come what may, we'll be here to stay"
Heard that line before maybe? From Singapore's NDP 2012 if i am not wrong
Remembering how happy i was in 2012 when everything was still normal, when everything still went as plan and went really smoothly...
I must say it is almost too painful, that friends come and go, even if you care so much about them, they just abandon you all together.
Sometimes you wonder how they can do that, how they can just forget about you.
The harsh reality is there, they can, and they have; they forgot everything you have done for them, they forget the times you tried so hard to make things perfect.
It hurt really bad to see your best friends forget who you are, especially when you thought they will be here forever; pains that left scars, memories that kills a part of you that still cared...
Never put those you trust, those who mattered to you through this kind of pain, because they do not deserve to go through that.
Enough is enough, there is not need to pass the pain to someone else, it can end with me, only i need to be alone, only i need to be completely destroyed.
& they say it is always the strongest that stands up strong and pull through the storm isn't it?
Queen on the chessboard is the strongest piece of the game, is it not?
It has the power of all the pieces in the chess game, the power to set fire to the game.
Whether the game is in your favour or not, you only need that one chess piece to survive.
Everything else can be ignored, you don't need anyone else isn't it?
No, my friends, you are wrong
Think about the times when you realised there was no one around you, and when i am the only one left that is willing to even listen to you, are you gonna come running back to me?
How about you think about the many times that you have thrown me away and push me aside?
And the countless times i begged you to stop turning the bloody tables?
No i won't let you, never again will i let you kill me again.
Kicking you out of my life would be the best option that i will never ever hesitate to do again.
Yet I'm stupid enough to stay and trust you, and care for you.
Only when you turn your back on me did i ever cry, and even if i did i had to sob in silence.
U didn't even bothered to ask if i was fine.
FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME, i think i can count just with my fingers.
And yet again, i am to trust you because i cannot think of any way not to.
I have to bare with the pain you have inflicted on me time after time, even after i begged you not to.
I'm tired of all the things that goes on and on, and i really just want everything to go back to normal
I want to trust you again. Please let me do that will you?
Let me trust you again will you?
Because, Trust is the easiest thing to say, but the hardest thing to do...
I can hardly count the number of times people i have trusted stabbed me straight in my back
I will never forget the times i decided to trust, only to find the people i trust turning around and stabbing me straight in my back.
Yet these are the people who make me realise that there are people out there i really can trust.
They were right in front of me, while i was busy freaking out and trying to please those who didn't care about me. I ignored them, i forgot about them, i neglected them.
And now i realise the pain i have put myself through for months already, and the fact that i actually only need a handful of people i trust, instead of having a load of people around me, not knowing who will stay and who will leave the next moment.
My friends, i'm sorry that i try time after time after time to test if you all sold me out, if you all backstabbed me, instead of trying to believe and trust you all. I'm more than lost in my world now, i really no longer see the light that had always brightly lead the way.
It is kind of ironic, how i am now standing here in my living room, on my result day, typing and blogging about something i have already done before.
Yet today might just be the day.
Yesterday, i realised that i had what i have always wanted in front of my eyes. I found someone i could believe in and confide in.
Someone i could trust forever.
However, i feel insecure still even though i have found the someone.
Perhaps it is because of the time i have sacrificed for those who don't care about me.
It could be the energy that i have wasted trying to make things perfect for them.
Is this the reason i cry?
Because i feel that i have given my all for those people, and that i will never stop caring for them.
Of course time would tell if i really mean anything at all, and time would tell if i should still believe in them.
The number of time i am willing to overlook all the mistakes you people have made, is countless.
Time will tell the truth, and truth will be told.
I was put through all the pain, Karma will be a bitch to you people
Have your guard up, because karma will be a bitch.
Sacrificed so much to gain only so little.
"For what," I ask myself.
Those that didn't matter will never matter to me, but
Who are those that don't matter?
Care was what they have promised me, that they will be here for me and never leave my side
About time they remembered that promise isn't it.
"Me" will should disappear, and I will be gone, but what do they care?
"Come what may, we'll be here to stay"
Heard that line before maybe? From Singapore's NDP 2012 if i am not wrong
Remembering how happy i was in 2012 when everything was still normal, when everything still went as plan and went really smoothly...
I must say it is almost too painful, that friends come and go, even if you care so much about them, they just abandon you all together.
Sometimes you wonder how they can do that, how they can just forget about you.
The harsh reality is there, they can, and they have; they forgot everything you have done for them, they forget the times you tried so hard to make things perfect.
It hurt really bad to see your best friends forget who you are, especially when you thought they will be here forever; pains that left scars, memories that kills a part of you that still cared...
Never put those you trust, those who mattered to you through this kind of pain, because they do not deserve to go through that.
Enough is enough, there is not need to pass the pain to someone else, it can end with me, only i need to be alone, only i need to be completely destroyed.
& they say it is always the strongest that stands up strong and pull through the storm isn't it?
Queen on the chessboard is the strongest piece of the game, is it not?
It has the power of all the pieces in the chess game, the power to set fire to the game.
Whether the game is in your favour or not, you only need that one chess piece to survive.
Everything else can be ignored, you don't need anyone else isn't it?
No, my friends, you are wrong
Think about the times when you realised there was no one around you, and when i am the only one left that is willing to even listen to you, are you gonna come running back to me?
How about you think about the many times that you have thrown me away and push me aside?
And the countless times i begged you to stop turning the bloody tables?
No i won't let you, never again will i let you kill me again.
Kicking you out of my life would be the best option that i will never ever hesitate to do again.
Yet I'm stupid enough to stay and trust you, and care for you.
Only when you turn your back on me did i ever cry, and even if i did i had to sob in silence.
U didn't even bothered to ask if i was fine.
FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME, i think i can count just with my fingers.
And yet again, i am to trust you because i cannot think of any way not to.
I have to bare with the pain you have inflicted on me time after time, even after i begged you not to.
I'm tired of all the things that goes on and on, and i really just want everything to go back to normal
I want to trust you again. Please let me do that will you?
Let me trust you again will you?
Because, Trust is the easiest thing to say, but the hardest thing to do...
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
Be positive?
Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you're going to live your life.
Yet how does one remain positive when everything is falling apart around you?
I thought about this many times, but i've never gotten an answer.
Choosing to be positive:
I've always told myself to think about things in the most positive way possible.
I thought we could make it, but it didn't happen.
I thought i would be fine, but i have already broken down.
Yet how does one remain positive when everything is falling apart around you?
I thought about this many times, but i've never gotten an answer.
Choosing to be positive:
I've always told myself to think about things in the most positive way possible.
I thought we could make it, but it didn't happen.
I thought i would be fine, but i have already broken down.
Thursday, 6 June 2013
Death
Perhaps its not a good idea to be dreaming up a post at this hour, just barely 7 hours before my common test...
Whatever the case... I just want everyone to know that whatever happens to me in the next few days... I will always love my friends and family. To be honest i have never been anywhere close to death. Yet today i can just feel it crashing down on me. Since Monday i had been on an emotional ride for no apparent reason. My brain is focused on worrying then doing what i should be doing. I was stressed out and literally going through hell in my brain.
Tuesday was a great break from all the shit because there was band. But definitely it was short lived since i had a test at 4pm and i had to leave early.
Im barely holding myself together these days. Yesterday was no exception. Spending a whole day at home really make me go crazy i guess. I tried distracting myself in any way possible but nothin worked. I needed someone to talk to badly. All i had was my dam computer.
I need to sit face to face with someone and talk everything out but i cant seem to find anyone... I was alone... I still am as i am typing this.
Today is a Thursday yet i am having insomnia and thinking about death. I had not been in this position for very long and it is just suddenly coming back all of the sudden. I have nvr ever felt like killing myself more than i am feelig now. Keep wanting and having the desire to get sleepkng pills and swallowing a whole lo of them.
Gou know what screw it all i dont give a shyt about typing properly altdy i want to say goodbye to this fcking fcke up an blpody cruel worl.
WTF HAVE I DONE WRONG TO BE SO PATHETIC AT THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE WHAT WHAT WHAT HAVE I DONE... IF U WAN ME U BLOODY GRIM REAPER TAKE ME NOW MAN HY AM I FCKING SUFFERING SO MUCH NEED ME TO REALLY PHYSICALLY CRY THEN U HAPPY IS IT... Im suffering in pain here but just no one no one cares...
Wednesday, 29 May 2013
Feeling Insecure?
It has been 18 years 8 months 28 days 23 hours 7mins.
And as i type this long post, i'm sure the mins will slowly tick by.
I dare say it is barely days to my birthday, to the day i become nineteen.
When that day comes, it will be the day i have spent 19 years on this planet.
Yet, looking back at my past, i could never find a day that i felt secure. Since the day i learnt to walk and think with my own mind, since the day i start to make decisions on my own, since the day i first entered Primary one in Princess Elizabeth Primary School, i don't remember a single day in my life that i actually felt that i was secure.
I never had that safety envelope i thought i would have. I never had the ability to make myself feel safe. I remember never growing up, and thinking that if i make a mistake, i can just sit there and someone will come, and someone will help me correct the mistake. I still have in my mind, a vivid memory, on one fine day in my primary school, when we were having recess. I was just having my usual. Just a simple packet of chicken nuggets and a packet of HL Chocolate milk. And i was sitting down on the floor (we were renovating that time and the school didn't have a canteen. It was just the floor.) when i spilled my milk on the floor. Genius me just sat there and waited for someone to come and help me clean up the mess, because i spilled some of it on my pants. Eyes were staring straight at me. I felt insecure, afraid to be consumed by the stares, fearful about the teasing that would come non-stop from wetting my pants. Horrible day.
That wasn't it. Even till this day, i ask myself time after time, when did i listen to my parents to go and join the school's concert band (Princess E. Concert Band). It was the begining of much of my problems. The begining of all the teasing from my classmates, the begining of which i completely lost my self-esteem. To be frank with the world, as the only child, i was spoiled. No, not the kind of spoiled where i had everything i wanted. Not the kind where i go, "Daddy daddy! I wan that toy!" and i'll get it the next day. Neither did i have the privelage of going, "Mummy everyone have that i want one too!" It often came back being, "Too expensive" "No. Why do you want that just because everyone has it?"
No No No. That was not the spoiled i am talking about.
It was the, "Our son's safety first." "We need to teach him numbers and alphabets so that he will be the best" "Come on we can send him for that." "No son, you dont have the time, and we don't know if your friends are safe to hang out with." Every thing i wanted to do, i am faced with a question. Every thing i hope to get, like a Nintendo Gameboy, Playstation, a new computer; it was just never there for me. Am i a deprieved child? Did i have no childhood?
My parents were definitely over-protective. I thought i could have always lived in their shadow. I thought that if i had problems in school, all i needed to do was to cry out to Mummy and she will come to my rescue. That was exactly what i got. Yes, of course, i had a safety net. A safety net that i do not need. I didn't have the chance to go out to play. I didn't have any knowledge of any games that my friends were talking about. I couldn't socialise with majority of my classmates. I didn't have a clique like my classmates or even schoolmates had. I couldn't hold a conversation when my friends talk about games. I was, nothing but alone. I have an awesome family. My parents will always be there for me. Or are they?
Gradually i realised that i really had no true friends in my primary school. I had to walk home alone every single day after school. Most of the times i had recess alone. I could hardly find a friend to talk to in class. I had the reputation of being a sissy, some even called me a gay. I tried to let it go, yet every single time i just break down and cry and run away from my problems. I gave the bullies the reaction they wanted, and gave a reason for the few friends i had to turn their backs on me and walk away. It stays forever etched in my memories how painful it was to go home every single day crying and asking what was wrong with my life.
It was an imperfect Primary School life, one that i hated, and a scar that will never heal. I will never forget the bullies that i encouraged, the fake friendships that i had, the times i tried to buy over friends, and the times when i nearly thought that joining a gang would save me. I will never forgot the insecurity i felt in the final 3 years of my tattered Primary school life. I was... insecure.
Even when i thought i had a chance to start fresh in secondary school, the one person in my class i really completely didn't know or cared about, went around to dig up my past. It was a violent history that was manupilated by many. Stories that didn't exsist before popped up. Although different, it all revovled around the same thing. People thought, once again, that i was gay, that i was a sissy, that i only know how to cry. I thought this was just temporary, i thought i finally found my ground when i first started CCA. I thought it was normal to talk to the teachers as if they were just friends. I thought all the formalities could be ignored even though my seniors told me it was a must. I didn't care less about calling our band master Sir, or any of my seniors Sir/Mdm.
It wasn't long before i realised the problem really actually lies in me. My dream of being the best in CCA had never been accomplished. I left a more than worst first impression in my CCA i could ever imagine. It was something i never thought would happen. And even if it did happen, it was something i thought i could overcome. Yet that was never the case.
It took me month after month, day after day, hour by the hour, to try to change myself. I wanted to be someone who could hang out with my friends, who didn't give shit about how i was so dependent on my parents in the past. I needed people to believe in me, to know that i am not a sissy or a gay. I needed someone to tell me, that i was doing things right.
I could remember vaguely how i told myself, that i will put everything aside, that i will ignore all the insults, all the teasing, and all the bullying. I told myself that i will become a brick wall and shield myself from all the shit that was thrown at me. It was the final straw. I was at the brink of killing myself. I was again, as insecure as i have always been.
Where was that safety net i so dearly need from my parents now? Where were those two pairs of ears that had always listened to my complaints and the beloved parents that came to my aid?
It was then that i realised that i had finally had the freedom i always wanted, the freedom to make my own decisions, the freedom to decide to go out with my friends and just have fun. It was something that has never happened all my life, and it is finally happening. I couldn't take it all in. I was free. My parents were not home half of the time i was. I had the house to myself. I could sleep all day, play all day or watch tv all day. Even with the computer still locked, i had more freedom then i ever had in my life. It felt great.
However that one problem still remained.
I felt... insecure.
With all that crap happening again in a new school, i had no choice but to deal with it myself. I recall seeing counsellors both in my Primary and Secondary school. I was an emotional wreck. I cried half of my Primary and Secondary school life away. I had no ground to cover and no way to recover.
Having no one to talk to and hardly anyone understanding you was the worst part about this miserable life...i had to depend nearly completely on my own. My parents gave me the support that i needed. but it was hardly ever enough. I had no one in school, the very place i need more of that support.
Present day 29/5/2013 12:14AM.
I now have spent 18 years 8 months 29 days 0 hours 14min crawling, walking, breathing, living on Earth. Am i feeling secure? No. I have never been. The chance to make a mark in school or in CCA had been thrown at me time after time. I've grabbed a few and lost much of those chances. And even when i grabbed the few chances thate came at me, there was literally always someone better.
I could never feel secure in my life. Even though i have seniors and friends around me to guide me and give me support when i needed it, and even when i have close friends i consider to be my brothers, i still feel insecure and fearful of the future...
What am i to do? How do i calm myself down and not be afriad? When will i learn to be less paraniod about losing everything i have now? Will that day ever come, or will i be waiting in vain?
Maybe i will never know...
And as i type this long post, i'm sure the mins will slowly tick by.
I dare say it is barely days to my birthday, to the day i become nineteen.
When that day comes, it will be the day i have spent 19 years on this planet.
Yet, looking back at my past, i could never find a day that i felt secure. Since the day i learnt to walk and think with my own mind, since the day i start to make decisions on my own, since the day i first entered Primary one in Princess Elizabeth Primary School, i don't remember a single day in my life that i actually felt that i was secure.
I never had that safety envelope i thought i would have. I never had the ability to make myself feel safe. I remember never growing up, and thinking that if i make a mistake, i can just sit there and someone will come, and someone will help me correct the mistake. I still have in my mind, a vivid memory, on one fine day in my primary school, when we were having recess. I was just having my usual. Just a simple packet of chicken nuggets and a packet of HL Chocolate milk. And i was sitting down on the floor (we were renovating that time and the school didn't have a canteen. It was just the floor.) when i spilled my milk on the floor. Genius me just sat there and waited for someone to come and help me clean up the mess, because i spilled some of it on my pants. Eyes were staring straight at me. I felt insecure, afraid to be consumed by the stares, fearful about the teasing that would come non-stop from wetting my pants. Horrible day.
That wasn't it. Even till this day, i ask myself time after time, when did i listen to my parents to go and join the school's concert band (Princess E. Concert Band). It was the begining of much of my problems. The begining of all the teasing from my classmates, the begining of which i completely lost my self-esteem. To be frank with the world, as the only child, i was spoiled. No, not the kind of spoiled where i had everything i wanted. Not the kind where i go, "Daddy daddy! I wan that toy!" and i'll get it the next day. Neither did i have the privelage of going, "Mummy everyone have that i want one too!" It often came back being, "Too expensive" "No. Why do you want that just because everyone has it?"
No No No. That was not the spoiled i am talking about.
It was the, "Our son's safety first." "We need to teach him numbers and alphabets so that he will be the best" "Come on we can send him for that." "No son, you dont have the time, and we don't know if your friends are safe to hang out with." Every thing i wanted to do, i am faced with a question. Every thing i hope to get, like a Nintendo Gameboy, Playstation, a new computer; it was just never there for me. Am i a deprieved child? Did i have no childhood?
My parents were definitely over-protective. I thought i could have always lived in their shadow. I thought that if i had problems in school, all i needed to do was to cry out to Mummy and she will come to my rescue. That was exactly what i got. Yes, of course, i had a safety net. A safety net that i do not need. I didn't have the chance to go out to play. I didn't have any knowledge of any games that my friends were talking about. I couldn't socialise with majority of my classmates. I didn't have a clique like my classmates or even schoolmates had. I couldn't hold a conversation when my friends talk about games. I was, nothing but alone. I have an awesome family. My parents will always be there for me. Or are they?
Gradually i realised that i really had no true friends in my primary school. I had to walk home alone every single day after school. Most of the times i had recess alone. I could hardly find a friend to talk to in class. I had the reputation of being a sissy, some even called me a gay. I tried to let it go, yet every single time i just break down and cry and run away from my problems. I gave the bullies the reaction they wanted, and gave a reason for the few friends i had to turn their backs on me and walk away. It stays forever etched in my memories how painful it was to go home every single day crying and asking what was wrong with my life.
It was an imperfect Primary School life, one that i hated, and a scar that will never heal. I will never forget the bullies that i encouraged, the fake friendships that i had, the times i tried to buy over friends, and the times when i nearly thought that joining a gang would save me. I will never forgot the insecurity i felt in the final 3 years of my tattered Primary school life. I was... insecure.
Even when i thought i had a chance to start fresh in secondary school, the one person in my class i really completely didn't know or cared about, went around to dig up my past. It was a violent history that was manupilated by many. Stories that didn't exsist before popped up. Although different, it all revovled around the same thing. People thought, once again, that i was gay, that i was a sissy, that i only know how to cry. I thought this was just temporary, i thought i finally found my ground when i first started CCA. I thought it was normal to talk to the teachers as if they were just friends. I thought all the formalities could be ignored even though my seniors told me it was a must. I didn't care less about calling our band master Sir, or any of my seniors Sir/Mdm.
It wasn't long before i realised the problem really actually lies in me. My dream of being the best in CCA had never been accomplished. I left a more than worst first impression in my CCA i could ever imagine. It was something i never thought would happen. And even if it did happen, it was something i thought i could overcome. Yet that was never the case.
It took me month after month, day after day, hour by the hour, to try to change myself. I wanted to be someone who could hang out with my friends, who didn't give shit about how i was so dependent on my parents in the past. I needed people to believe in me, to know that i am not a sissy or a gay. I needed someone to tell me, that i was doing things right.
I could remember vaguely how i told myself, that i will put everything aside, that i will ignore all the insults, all the teasing, and all the bullying. I told myself that i will become a brick wall and shield myself from all the shit that was thrown at me. It was the final straw. I was at the brink of killing myself. I was again, as insecure as i have always been.
Where was that safety net i so dearly need from my parents now? Where were those two pairs of ears that had always listened to my complaints and the beloved parents that came to my aid?
It was then that i realised that i had finally had the freedom i always wanted, the freedom to make my own decisions, the freedom to decide to go out with my friends and just have fun. It was something that has never happened all my life, and it is finally happening. I couldn't take it all in. I was free. My parents were not home half of the time i was. I had the house to myself. I could sleep all day, play all day or watch tv all day. Even with the computer still locked, i had more freedom then i ever had in my life. It felt great.
However that one problem still remained.
I felt... insecure.
With all that crap happening again in a new school, i had no choice but to deal with it myself. I recall seeing counsellors both in my Primary and Secondary school. I was an emotional wreck. I cried half of my Primary and Secondary school life away. I had no ground to cover and no way to recover.
Having no one to talk to and hardly anyone understanding you was the worst part about this miserable life...i had to depend nearly completely on my own. My parents gave me the support that i needed. but it was hardly ever enough. I had no one in school, the very place i need more of that support.
Present day 29/5/2013 12:14AM.
I now have spent 18 years 8 months 29 days 0 hours 14min crawling, walking, breathing, living on Earth. Am i feeling secure? No. I have never been. The chance to make a mark in school or in CCA had been thrown at me time after time. I've grabbed a few and lost much of those chances. And even when i grabbed the few chances thate came at me, there was literally always someone better.
I could never feel secure in my life. Even though i have seniors and friends around me to guide me and give me support when i needed it, and even when i have close friends i consider to be my brothers, i still feel insecure and fearful of the future...
What am i to do? How do i calm myself down and not be afriad? When will i learn to be less paraniod about losing everything i have now? Will that day ever come, or will i be waiting in vain?
Maybe i will never know...
Thursday, 16 May 2013
A quote
There are walls that cannot be broken through power alone. But if there is a power that can break through those walls, it is...
the Power of Feelings
Saturday, 16 February 2013
Fairy Tail
We laugh together, fight together, and at times we'll even cry together
- Fairy Tail
If the country Fiore really existed and the stories of Fairy Tail is really true, i would love to live in that country.
Watching the anime Fairy Tail brought out the emotions every human being should have and must not forget.
The very fact we all live and survive is because of our friends and family.
They are things we often think we can do without but we really cannot.
In Fairy Tail, many of the characters have been through a lot and yet pulled themselves together because they had their friends, their only family, to support them.
Joining the Guild helped them discover the family they always wished they had.
It help them find the strength to be strong and push forward.
The third master of Fairy Tail said this:
There are people in this world that enjoy being alone, but there isn't a single person who can bear solitude.
And it's true.
I couldn't have survived this world if not for the people around me.
The anime, ever episode of it has constantly reminded me of the fact that i would not be alive if not for the people around me.
A quote from Erza Scarlet, a person who have been through hell and came back.
A person who, in Fairy Tail, discovered the true power of magic, through Love.
Yet another thing the anime taught me, another important life lesson.
I have forgot that for me to be able to tap into the strength and courage the people around me can give me, I must have faith in myself.
I must stop living in my own shadow, and i need to move on.
Leaving the past behind us is never easy.
To forgive and forget is something that is easier said then done.
The pain that was brought upon me by those who don't care, i can never forget.
I want revenge, and i want them to feel the same, but i must know, that i will always be caught in the past if i do that.
The choice is mine, to be happy or to be sad.
I alone make that decision, and whatever decision i make, however painful it may be, i must still take those tiny steps forward, move a bit at a time.
I cannot stay caught in my past.
I started the post with this statement.
"We laugh together, fight together, and at times we'll even cry together"
- Fairy Tail
If the country Fiore really existed and the stories of Fairy Tail is really true, i would love to live in that country.
Watching the anime Fairy Tail brought out the emotions every human being should have and must not forget.
The very fact we all live and survive is because of our friends and family.
They are things we often think we can do without but we really cannot.
In Fairy Tail, many of the characters have been through a lot and yet pulled themselves together because they had their friends, their only family, to support them.
Joining the Guild helped them discover the family they always wished they had.
It help them find the strength to be strong and push forward.
The third master of Fairy Tail said this:
There are people in this world that enjoy being alone, but there isn't a single person who can bear solitude.
And it's true.
I couldn't have survived this world if not for the people around me.
The anime, ever episode of it has constantly reminded me of the fact that i would not be alive if not for the people around me.
A quote from Erza Scarlet, a person who have been through hell and came back.
A person who, in Fairy Tail, discovered the true power of magic, through Love.
We often tell ourselves we are willing to die for our friends, that we should be the one in their place suffering instead of them.
But we forget, that we are their pillars of strength.
Yes, because the fact is we often are, and we LIVE for our friends, not die so that they will have a better life.
Yet another thing the anime taught me, another important life lesson.
I have forgot that for me to be able to tap into the strength and courage the people around me can give me, I must have faith in myself.
I must stop living in my own shadow, and i need to move on.
Leaving the past behind us is never easy.
To forgive and forget is something that is easier said then done.
The pain that was brought upon me by those who don't care, i can never forget.
I want revenge, and i want them to feel the same, but i must know, that i will always be caught in the past if i do that.
The choice is mine, to be happy or to be sad.
I alone make that decision, and whatever decision i make, however painful it may be, i must still take those tiny steps forward, move a bit at a time.
I cannot stay caught in my past.
I started the post with this statement.
"We laugh together, fight together, and at times we'll even cry together"
I end by saying this.
At the end of the day, those that will laugh, fight, and cry alongside you are your friends and family.
Don't lose them.
Treasure every friendship, have faith, because i believe that everything will fail into place when the time is right, and when the time calls for it.
Forever and always, Fairy Tail.
Sunday, 3 February 2013
A gift?
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind.
She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for
her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her
boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, “Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?”
The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him. Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying:
“Just take care of my eyes dear.”
This is how human brain changes when the status changed. Only few remember what life was before, and who’s always been there even in the most painful situations.
What am i supposed to do now...
After reading this story.. I really don't know anymore...
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, “Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?”
The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him. Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying:
“Just take care of my eyes dear.”
This is how human brain changes when the status changed. Only few remember what life was before, and who’s always been there even in the most painful situations.
What am i supposed to do now...
After reading this story.. I really don't know anymore...
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Defying Gravity
From Wicked:
And nobody in all of Oz
No wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!
I'm through accepting limits ''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!
I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you won't bring me down! bring me down!
-End-
Its time for change.
Time to go the opposite direction and make my life better
I'm gonna change, for those people i cared for.
I'm gonna change, because they told me my mistakes honestly.
I will fight myself.
My character, my inter demon.
I will Defy Gravity and fly high up into the skies.
PS: The wonderful song is the 2nd and 3rd song on the playlist
Monday, 14 January 2013
The pain of a person
Pain of a person?
How well do you hide your pain?
Or rather, how much pain can you hide before it becomes a struggle to contain it and continue hiding your pain?
So much going on it makes it hard to even do my homework..
But i guess i just got to push on.
To show pain is definitely a weakness to many people.
I will remain strong and push on this time.
I must make it, and i will.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Into the New Year
A new year again.
Into the year of 2013, we leave behind the memories of the past year.
All the happy and sad memories that we had, we should keep them all.
I have many things to think about, many mistakes to reflect on. Its been a year, yet i had to ask myself, what have i accomplished in this last year. When i just lay back on my bed and think about it all, I realised i didn't really accomplish anything. I'm still stuck with only a Grade 7 Piano, bad results, and horrible health. All this i wanted to clear up and solve before 2013 arrives. At the end of the day, no, the year, i still haven't accomplished anything.
Perhaps it's time for a new year resolution? I really want my Grade 8 Piano as soon as possible. I guess it is time to start again and practise hard on piano and work hard for it. Common test is done, and everything except for one module is going fine so far. I got to start working and excerising so that my health will not deteriorate any further.
But a new year resolution is useless if i don't work on it. So lets just get that resolution set for once and for all. And i really just want to be a better person in fact. Forget the piano, forget the common test, forget my health. I need to fix myself, my soul, my spirit.
So the final new year resolution?
As a human being, i will make many mistakes, but if i learn from them, there is no harm. So i have decided, that i must strive for excellence in everything i love and want to do.
As much as striving for excellence in everything i do is a better resolution, but i think that is being to ambitous. I learned that mistake the hard way the last year. And i now know that i have to aim to do my best in everything i can do, not to be over ambitous and try to do everything at once.
Thats about it all i have to say for the new year. To all those who have been a part of my life for the past year, thank you. My life would never be the same without you guys. I'll never forget all the times that you all made me laugh, nor the times you all made me sad and ask myself what am i really worth. Through the year, spending time with you all have made me realise my countless mistakes and things that i have to understand. I thank you!
To my seniors, i thank you for teaching me things that i could never learn from anyone else. I thank you more for your care and concern.
To my friends, bros and sisters, thank you for saving my ass time after time, and for being there for me when i was on the brink of suciding. You all have no idea how much you all mean to me.
And to all my juniors, thank you for everything. You all just make me laugh uncontrollably time after time and made me smile when i'm down! Haha.
The last but definitely not the least, my family. Thank you all for forever supporting this idiotic and lost guy, who's trying to find his way on this dark path to a better life. You all have been my pillar of strength, especially my cousins. I really thank you all for ALWAYS being there for me no matter whatever shit i am in. Really really thank you all for spending time with me. I don't think i would be alive today if you all weren't by my side.
Thats all i have to say for now people. What is your new year resolution? Have a moment to yourself and think about it.
Have a great year ahead my fellow readers! Thank you all!
Into the year of 2013, we leave behind the memories of the past year.
All the happy and sad memories that we had, we should keep them all.
I have many things to think about, many mistakes to reflect on. Its been a year, yet i had to ask myself, what have i accomplished in this last year. When i just lay back on my bed and think about it all, I realised i didn't really accomplish anything. I'm still stuck with only a Grade 7 Piano, bad results, and horrible health. All this i wanted to clear up and solve before 2013 arrives. At the end of the day, no, the year, i still haven't accomplished anything.
Perhaps it's time for a new year resolution? I really want my Grade 8 Piano as soon as possible. I guess it is time to start again and practise hard on piano and work hard for it. Common test is done, and everything except for one module is going fine so far. I got to start working and excerising so that my health will not deteriorate any further.
But a new year resolution is useless if i don't work on it. So lets just get that resolution set for once and for all. And i really just want to be a better person in fact. Forget the piano, forget the common test, forget my health. I need to fix myself, my soul, my spirit.
So the final new year resolution?
As a human being, i will make many mistakes, but if i learn from them, there is no harm. So i have decided, that i must strive for excellence in everything i love and want to do.
As much as striving for excellence in everything i do is a better resolution, but i think that is being to ambitous. I learned that mistake the hard way the last year. And i now know that i have to aim to do my best in everything i can do, not to be over ambitous and try to do everything at once.
Thats about it all i have to say for the new year. To all those who have been a part of my life for the past year, thank you. My life would never be the same without you guys. I'll never forget all the times that you all made me laugh, nor the times you all made me sad and ask myself what am i really worth. Through the year, spending time with you all have made me realise my countless mistakes and things that i have to understand. I thank you!
To my seniors, i thank you for teaching me things that i could never learn from anyone else. I thank you more for your care and concern.
To my friends, bros and sisters, thank you for saving my ass time after time, and for being there for me when i was on the brink of suciding. You all have no idea how much you all mean to me.
And to all my juniors, thank you for everything. You all just make me laugh uncontrollably time after time and made me smile when i'm down! Haha.
The last but definitely not the least, my family. Thank you all for forever supporting this idiotic and lost guy, who's trying to find his way on this dark path to a better life. You all have been my pillar of strength, especially my cousins. I really thank you all for ALWAYS being there for me no matter whatever shit i am in. Really really thank you all for spending time with me. I don't think i would be alive today if you all weren't by my side.
Thats all i have to say for now people. What is your new year resolution? Have a moment to yourself and think about it.
Have a great year ahead my fellow readers! Thank you all!
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