It has been so long, too long, since i got the chance to sit down and just blog about my current haywire life. I look back at the past 1-2months as i listen to songs, and realise how much time i have wasted, how much pain i caused myself, how much i have chewed off, how much i have managed, how much i have failed, how much i have disappoint...
The past few days had been a torture. Yea sure it was fun on Sunday, when we went for outing with PeiPei. But i think because of all the stress and all the nights when i had to wake up in the middle of the night only to realise that it was a nightmare, it was because of all that, and i over stressed myself. Cycling had always been fun, but i might have played too hard on Sunday. Now i'm battling a severe backpain that don't seem to be going away. Not only that, all the stress of the upcoming common test... I mean the thought of having just 2 weeks left to prepare for the common test is freaking me out. But i guess i have to make a few decisions. There will be things i have to let go next two weeks, things i got to put aside because of school, test and everything.
Not only that, my life has been a torture the last few weeks. Every time i get to sit down to rest, i just don't feel like getting up after that. The pain in my back and the stresses about everything around me is really taking its toll, but there are things i want to do and things i don't wanna let go off. And the irony of this whole thing is that those things i do not want to let go of most are things that i love the most. I ask myself time and time again what i am living for, if my life is worth anything anymore, if i'm worth to anyone...
Yet i cannot be so stupid, so selfish to end my life. My suicidal thoughts are coming back again, but everytime i have them, i think about the people around me and i couldn't do it. I think about the people i care about, the people i love so much, but at the same time, i question myself of my worth, if i'm even worth any shit at all. I don't wanna die young, yet it seems like the best solution to all the problems.
I don't know anymore what to do, but i guess i'll just have to try one last time. If this doesn't work i might be ready to give up, and walk out on myself. If i cannot cure the demon in me, kick out the demon that lives within, my souls would already have been consumed and i wouldn't be living a life worth anything anyways. I'll try this one last time to put everything right and piece together this broken life of mine. That hope i'm clinching on to, i must hold on forever. At the least i should be glad i can still find the pieces, but trying to put them together would be a challenge. With my health just deteriorating, i simply don't know how long more i can last...
And if i couldn't make it, my only wish, my last wish, is for my friends and my family to move on from this, to understand that i'm just an idiot that didn't take control of my life and let my feelings get over me and consumed myself. Friends, don't follow my footsteps. Your lives must be worth much more. And to those who i've been kind to, for those who i've been tolerant with and for all those that i have always forgive, please just remember that i once existed. Just remember me and move on, i'm not worth your grieve. And to my family, all i can say is, i'm sorry. Sorry for disappointing all of you...
So now this is it isn't it? It is My Destiny now. I will see how things go. I will push my life through or crumble. It is my decision and only i alone can decide my fate. Death, or life, there is only one chance. This ain't a game, but even if it is, it has no revives, and i have already been playing for 19 years... Lets see how this will end, shall we?
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