4th of March, 4:22PM
There has been numerous attempts to put official closure to this blog over the last 5 years. I wanted to post one last post, one last time and move on from this sit once and for all. But I have never had the courage to. So i decided, why not try something different?
If you guys are reading this after so many years this site has been inactive, thank you. If you came over from any of my social media, thank you for noticing. And most importantly, If any of you are my streamer friends, I thank you too for caring.
This post is going to be crafting over a few hours, perhaps even a few days, but i am sure that after this, I'm going to be able to finally more on from this part in my life, perhaps even find a new purpose in my life.
19th of March, 8:35PM
When one say you never know how important something is until you almost lost it, it takes a special type of situation for one to understand this fully. I nearly lost my Dad a few years back. He had a heart attack, and then a stroke... Since then i knew I can never take anything for granted.
I'm still working very hard to treasure what I have, because sometimes I just don't know how, not because i cannot treasure whatever I have, but because I don't think I deserve any of it. I feel like I am a horrible person on a daily basis, and I really don't deserve any of the love anyone has shown me.
How did I ever bring myself to think that? Perhaps now is as good a time to throw it out there.
Here, is the story of my version of pain.
Everyone experience pain in a different way. Emotional, physical, mental, more. Some, or perhaps, most who had actually been through abuse, broken families, or even families torn apart. Yes, i agree, and I will never dare to say that "I know how you feel." or "I know what you are going through." So think about it this way. What makes what you went through, any less painful then what I have went through?
In our lovely country, Singapore, just because I was a little more gentle, more emphatic, more feminine then other guys, I was bullied in Primary school. The people I grew up with in Primary school weren't nice. They thought it was fun to call me names when I was the only guy in the flute section of my Primary school band. Frankly I don't remember much of my Primary School life. It felt like I was just a pampered child, who will go screaming and crying out of the classroom whenever I was bullied. Otherwise, I would be doing more crying and studying. I do remember giving money to my "friend" so that he could buy A-Cash for Maplestory. I do remember too, that I didn't know what VivoCity was when I was Primary 6. O and I definitely remember being laughed at and having to go for counselling in Primary school with the school counselor.
Everything above just seemed like nothing, isn't it? Well. It was bloody painful to me. I was stressed because i had to stay so much. I was torn because i was laughed at. I was broken because i had no self-confidence. I was crying my heart out in silence because i was afraid. Mentally, it felt like i was going to hell. I was told to somehow, ignore the bullies and live my life out. Or maybe, just maybe it was my fault? Perhaps I wasn't, what was it they say, "Strong Enough?"
Secondary School wasn't any much better. It was the same vicious cycle. It even went online. It was the age of cyber bullying. I couldn't take it. Even though I had friends, there were still the bullies. It was the same mental torture over again.
The one saving grace that made Secondary School a little better was that I was part of the band. I was for once, a proud student conductor. I was in the limelight, for the right reasons. I was happy at what i achieved, at the applause I heard when I turn around to take a bow.
But i was still going through a lot pain mentally. I was struggling with my friends, hanging out, my inner conflicts, my own other half that seemed to want something different all together. When I went to my Secondary school, I thought I could start over. No. My past was dug up and used against me.
I did make one mistake though. I didn't try to focus on myself. I didn't try to impress anyone. I didn't try to talk things out with my parents. I didn't try to sort myself out. In the end, I left my Secondary School days behind, without many friends, and even more broken than before.
Then came the 4 years (Yes, 4 years) of Polytechnic. It was the most blur moment of my life ever. I couldn't believe how much of my time was wasted till this day. Honestly, it was my biggest mistake. It wasn't exactly a very painful time though... I guess we will leave that topic for another day...
But by the end of my Poly years in 2015, I knew that I was a very broken person. I could hardly hold any sort of conversation with anyone, I could count by my 10 fingers the number of friends I had. I was a mix of suicidal, depressed, desperate for attention, love and just a little bit of kindness. I was a really broken soul...
Growing up, or at least trying to, wasn't easy
Through my time in National Service, I learnt, (sometimes through the hard way) that life really isn't as easy as I imagined.
I learnt that families, once torn apart, can never be pieced back together. And no matter how much the adults try to say, "I don't want to involve the children," the kids are always the most affected.
I learnt that boyfriend and girlfriend, or in some cases, boy-boy, girl-girl relationships could end in tragedy.
I learnt that NUS/NTU students are checked into hospitals because they went insane, over studying.
I learnt that the smartest students sometimes want to kill themselves because they thought that they didn't do well enough when they got a "A".
I learnt that it takes courage to come forward after an abuse, and just as much courage to jump off a building.
I learnt that emotions and "depression" that lends to suicidal thoughts cannot always be controlled.
Most importantly, I learnt that the world isn't about me. I learnt that the fact that I actually did look out of the window and thought of jumping off, was very selfish of me. I learnt cutting myself was not the way to go.
I learnt that suicide was the easy way out, that once I am relieved of my pain, those whom I never thought would suffer will crash themselves and the cycle will continue.
But It Wasn't Easy.
Right now, right here, even right at this moment, even if YOU told me everything is gonna be okay, I'm going to just say, "I'm alright, just need to sort myself out *smiley face* " There is a dark... force in me, creating all these bad thoughts and pushing me ever so close to the edge.
For those who care
If you are still reading at this point, and I doubt anyone is... I don't need someone to come to me and tell me "I know what you are going through, you gonna need help." No. That is not what i need. Which I need is someone to come and talk to me, to have a conversation with me that doesn't break off after 10secs.
Let me make this clear... I'm strong. I always am, because I KNOW the mental pain that I went through is hell on earth, and it has been more than 15 years of this pain. I don't want anyone to feel what I felt, what i went through ever. I always try to put people before me. I'm always the first to say sorry, because I'm scared anyone I'm talking to feels sad or in pain. I always try to reply fast to any messages because I don't want anyone to feel abandoned. I'm always trying to make people feel happy because I don't think anyone deserves to be sad.
All that said, I'm human after all. I still hope that people won't take me for granted like I did many of my friends. I still do hope that there are people who appreciates me being around.
At least for now, I'm confident that I have found a circle of friends I trust and believe. But I don't know how to let my guard down and just be myself anymore sometimes, even though I'm with my closest friends...
This is the story of my pain, the pain of being unable to control my dark, depressing, attention seeking thoughts, the torture of having thoughts to hurt myself as much as I Know i don't want to.
To those who stayed, thank you guys, for everything.
This is the story of the last 15 years of my life. This, is my closure.
