A painful month

The first month of 2012 is gone..

And it is a tough month for me.
Other then trying hard to catch up with my studies and my life, I had to deal with another emotional rollercoaster.
Rides like that for me are horrifying...
Everytime i tell myself that i can just bury everything and dont care about myself, and just care about others, i seem to have a more horrifying outburst.
Going crazy when i know i shouldn't, being super irritating even though i know i am... All of that, all of it is horrible for me...

Because i feel myself losing people around me everytime i do that...
I'm just paranoid, paranoid over losing people... And i really don't know why...
More often then not, i find myself paranoid over things that are totally harmless...
Things that need not be at all worried about, things that will blow over and go back to normal....

I don't understand why i'm like this...
I want to know, yet everytime i try to find the reason why i am the idiot i am, i just find myself completely breaking down...
I believe in miracles, yet sometimes i just cant see the light...
I don't understand the pain that i'm going through at times, perhaps its just that i've gone through too much...
Yet it just seems so absurd to think that i've gone through the worst in life...

Look at the people out there, how many don't have a roof over their heads every night???
And how about people like Nick Vujicic??? People would know him as the man who was born with no limbs...
He's happy, he's living a life, he's making a difference, and he has inspired many others...
Why can't i do the same??

Yes it might be true that many people out there do live a better life than me, but i'm not too far off a great life myself...
I've been facepalmed with problems after problems, emotional setbacks one after another...
I've overcome so much, yet i'm starting to lose myself, losing the will to fight on, and losing the hope to find a better future...
I have friends who still care about me, yet i'm here trying to kill myself...
What am i thinking...

It has definitely been a painful month... One that i'll never forget... And if not for those few people in my life, i believe i would have been dead by now.
Bryce, Bernice, Chuan Han, Yan teik, UNCOLA!
All those who cared and listened to my whining, thanks...

To all those who didn't, thank you as well... because i believe you have made me stronger...

Life

The first week of 2012 has passed, just like that...
1 week down, 5 more to go...
Mentally and physically, i'm losing it again...
I'm losing my ability to carry on...
I keep asking myself at times, what is my purpose in life...
Is it just to be the helpful guy i am and try my best to help out everyone that i can??? Or can i actually go and live my dreams...

During the night, at times, i ask myself, what the shit am i doing??
I'll be asking myself, "What happens if the closest people around me were to leave me..."
For those who knows me, all i can say is that i'm sorry for being who i just am...
Yea sure, when i'm with you all, i'm all happy or whatever...
I care about you all, i ask about how you all are, and sometimes i can be super irritating with over caring...
But deep down, i'm always scared...
I'm scared that I'll wake up one morning and find you all all gone...
I'm worried that I'll lose my closest friends, that those who are closet to me will one day turn their backs on me despite whatever we have been through...

Last few months, has been emotional roller coasters one after another...
I pray hard for it to end, i pray hard that i can stop having all this stupid mood swings and stop being paranoid, because i know that i'm irritating the hell out of all my friends, but sometimes i feel like just killing myself...
Yet every time i have made up my mind to jump off the building, my best friends comes into the picture...
Yan teik, Shi Hui, Lindi Xinzhen and all...
And then there are those i regard as my brothers, Bryce and Chuan Han...

All of them, they keep my going...
Every single one of them, have told me that i'm irritating at times, and i know that...
But sometimes i really just can't stop myself...
I've always been that emotional person that i have been...
And i gone through a lot of hell that many people couldn't imagine...
My bros, my best friends... They have been keeping me going...
Without them, i'm nothing...

I pray hard that this year could be better... but its really not getting any better...
But i have promised, that i will keep going... I'll help everyone i can, before i lose myself...
I'll just hope for the best and i hope that my bros and my best friends...
I hope we could be brothers forever and friends for eternity...

2012

Its a new year....
And i don't really have a great start to the year.
But this year, i know what i must do.

Other then getting myself back on track for my studies, this year is the final year that i can give back to Swiss Winds... To teach them as much as i can, and to help them as much as i can.
And i just hope that everything will turn out to be fine.
For the band and for my studies....

There's so much i wanna do this year...
So many things to set right and stuff...

But i think together with my friends and bros and family, i'll pull straight to this....
Thats all i have for now :D

Happy new year everyone!!!

O and i wanna eat more fruits... thats my new year resolution :D