A painful month

The first month of 2012 is gone..

And it is a tough month for me.
Other then trying hard to catch up with my studies and my life, I had to deal with another emotional rollercoaster.
Rides like that for me are horrifying...
Everytime i tell myself that i can just bury everything and dont care about myself, and just care about others, i seem to have a more horrifying outburst.
Going crazy when i know i shouldn't, being super irritating even though i know i am... All of that, all of it is horrible for me...

Because i feel myself losing people around me everytime i do that...
I'm just paranoid, paranoid over losing people... And i really don't know why...
More often then not, i find myself paranoid over things that are totally harmless...
Things that need not be at all worried about, things that will blow over and go back to normal....

I don't understand why i'm like this...
I want to know, yet everytime i try to find the reason why i am the idiot i am, i just find myself completely breaking down...
I believe in miracles, yet sometimes i just cant see the light...
I don't understand the pain that i'm going through at times, perhaps its just that i've gone through too much...
Yet it just seems so absurd to think that i've gone through the worst in life...

Look at the people out there, how many don't have a roof over their heads every night???
And how about people like Nick Vujicic??? People would know him as the man who was born with no limbs...
He's happy, he's living a life, he's making a difference, and he has inspired many others...
Why can't i do the same??

Yes it might be true that many people out there do live a better life than me, but i'm not too far off a great life myself...
I've been facepalmed with problems after problems, emotional setbacks one after another...
I've overcome so much, yet i'm starting to lose myself, losing the will to fight on, and losing the hope to find a better future...
I have friends who still care about me, yet i'm here trying to kill myself...
What am i thinking...

It has definitely been a painful month... One that i'll never forget... And if not for those few people in my life, i believe i would have been dead by now.
Bryce, Bernice, Chuan Han, Yan teik, UNCOLA!
All those who cared and listened to my whining, thanks...

To all those who didn't, thank you as well... because i believe you have made me stronger...