The Story

4th of March, 4:22PM

There has been numerous attempts to put official closure to this blog over the last 5 years. I wanted to post one last post, one last time and move on from this sit once and for all. But I have never had the courage to. So i decided, why not try something different? 

If you guys are reading this after so many years this site has been inactive, thank you. If you came over from any of my social media, thank you for noticing. And most importantly, If any of you are my streamer friends, I thank you too for caring.

This post is going to be crafting over a few hours, perhaps even a few days, but i am sure that after this, I'm going to be able to finally more on from this part in my life, perhaps even find a new purpose in my life.

19th of March, 8:35PM

When one say you never know how important something is until you almost lost it, it takes a special type of situation for one to understand this fully. I nearly lost my Dad a few years back. He had a heart attack, and then a stroke... Since then i knew I can never take anything for granted.

I'm still working very hard to treasure what I have, because sometimes I just don't know how, not because i cannot treasure whatever I have, but because I don't think I deserve any of it. I feel like I am a horrible person on a daily basis, and I really don't deserve any of the love anyone has shown me.

How did I ever bring myself to think that? Perhaps now is as good a time to throw it out there.

Here, is the story of my version of pain.

Everyone experience pain in a different way. Emotional, physical, mental, more. Some, or perhaps, most who had actually been through abuse, broken families, or even families torn apart. Yes, i agree, and I will never dare to say that "I know how you feel." or "I know what you are going through." So think about it this way. What makes what you went through, any less painful then what I have went through?

In our lovely country, Singapore, just because I was a little more gentle, more emphatic, more feminine then other guys, I was bullied in Primary school. The people I grew up with in Primary school weren't nice. They thought it was fun to call me names when I was the only guy in the flute section of my Primary school band. Frankly I don't remember much of my Primary School life. It felt like I was just a pampered child, who will go screaming and crying out of the classroom whenever I was bullied. Otherwise, I would be doing more crying and studying. I do remember giving money to my "friend" so that he could buy A-Cash for Maplestory. I do remember too, that I didn't know what VivoCity was when I was Primary 6. O and I definitely remember being laughed at and having to go for counselling in Primary school with the school counselor.

Everything above just seemed like nothing, isn't it? Well. It was bloody painful to me. I was stressed because i had to stay so much. I was torn because i was laughed at. I was broken because i had no self-confidence. I was crying my heart out in silence because i was afraid. Mentally, it felt like i was going to hell. I was told to somehow, ignore the bullies and live my life out. Or maybe, just maybe it was my fault? Perhaps I wasn't, what was it they say, "Strong Enough?"

Secondary School wasn't any much better. It was the same vicious cycle. It even went online. It was the age of cyber bullying. I couldn't take it. Even though I had friends, there were still the bullies. It was the same mental torture over again.

The one saving grace that made Secondary School a little better was that I was part of the band. I was for once, a proud student conductor. I was in the limelight, for the right reasons. I was happy at what i achieved, at the applause I heard when I turn around to take a bow.

But i was still going through a lot pain mentally. I was struggling with my friends, hanging out, my inner conflicts, my own other half that seemed to want something different all together. When I went to my Secondary school, I thought I could start over. No. My past was dug up and used against me.

I did make one mistake though. I didn't try to focus on myself. I didn't try to impress anyone. I didn't try to talk things out with my parents. I didn't try to sort myself out. In the end, I left my Secondary School days behind, without many friends, and even more broken than before.

Then came the 4 years (Yes, 4 years) of Polytechnic. It was the most blur moment of my life ever. I couldn't believe how much of my time was wasted till this day. Honestly, it was my biggest mistake. It wasn't exactly a very painful time though... I guess we will leave that topic for another day...

But by the end of my Poly years in 2015, I knew that I was a very broken person. I could hardly hold any sort of conversation with anyone, I could count by my 10 fingers the number of friends I had. I was a mix of suicidal, depressed, desperate for attention, love and just a little bit of kindness. I was a really broken soul...

Growing up, or at least trying to, wasn't easy

Through my time in National Service, I learnt, (sometimes through the hard way) that life really isn't as easy as I imagined. 

I learnt that families, once torn apart, can never be pieced back together. And no matter how much the adults try to say, "I don't want to involve the children," the kids are always the most affected.

I learnt that boyfriend and girlfriend, or in some cases, boy-boy, girl-girl relationships could end in tragedy.

I learnt that NUS/NTU students are checked into hospitals because they went insane, over studying.

I learnt that the smartest students sometimes want to kill themselves because they thought that they didn't do well enough when they got a "A".

I learnt that it takes courage to come forward after an abuse, and just as much courage to jump off a building.

I learnt that emotions and "depression" that lends to suicidal thoughts cannot always be controlled.

Most importantly, I learnt that the world isn't about me. I learnt that the fact that I actually did look out of the window and thought of jumping off, was very selfish of me. I learnt cutting myself was not the way to go.

I learnt that suicide was the easy way out, that once I am relieved of my pain, those whom I never thought would suffer will crash themselves and the cycle will continue.

But It Wasn't Easy.

Right now, right here, even right at this moment, even if YOU told me everything is gonna be okay, I'm going to just say, "I'm alright, just need to sort myself out *smiley face* " There is a dark... force in me, creating all these bad thoughts and pushing me ever so close to the edge.

For those who care

If you are still reading at this point, and I doubt anyone is... I don't need someone to come to me and tell me "I know what you are going through, you gonna need help." No. That is not what i need. Which I need is someone to come and talk to me, to have a conversation with me that doesn't break off after 10secs. 

Let me make this clear... I'm strong. I always am, because I KNOW the mental pain that I went through is hell on earth, and it has been more than 15 years of this pain. I don't want anyone to feel what I felt, what i went through ever. I always try to put people before me. I'm always the first to say sorry, because I'm scared anyone I'm talking to feels sad or in pain. I always try to reply fast to any messages because I don't want anyone to feel abandoned. I'm always trying to make people feel happy because I don't think anyone deserves to be sad.

All that said, I'm human after all. I still hope that people won't take me for granted like I did many of my friends. I still do hope that there are people who appreciates me being around.

At least for now, I'm confident that I have found a circle of friends I trust and believe. But I don't know how to let my guard down and just be myself anymore sometimes, even though I'm with my closest friends...

This is the story of my pain, the pain of being unable to control my dark, depressing, attention seeking thoughts, the torture of having thoughts to hurt myself as much as I Know i don't want to.

To those who stayed, thank you guys, for everything.

This is the story of the last 15 years of my life. This, is my closure.

The second last week of 2013

At 4.20PM, Saturday December 21st, i started typing this entry, not only to fully season my new keyboard and test it to the max, but also to post about the year for me.
It has been a very tiring 2013 for me. All the ups and down in life. All the friends i made and all the obstacles i encountered.
There had been may mistakes in the year 2013. More than just a few mistakes that i made. Then there are the times when you would just wish you could turn back time and sort things out. Just hoping that you didn't say what you just said.
It was a tough year for me indeed. I fought with my parents, my friends, my soul...
I lost some battles, won a handful of them, and just got stuck in between some of them.
There was much up and down in the life of 2013. More downs then up perhaps?
I was thinking of killing myself again, just a few weeks ago because i was just so angry at myself.
But i threw those thoughts aside and move on with my life.
Then there is the new house, where i got my own room and area to study in. I even got my own desktop now! It just feels fantastic. But now going to work is a chore... And moving everything from the old house to the new is even more tiring. Its just so draining sometimes i feel like i should just skip work and stay at home to rest.
But this is life. Changes happens and you can either embrace it or just be a bitch and sit down complaining about it instead of doing anything about the problem which in some instances you really can.

O well. i'm getting super sleepy anws. I'm just gonna go and sleep for a while and then i'm off to work. Gosh i hope it's not crowd today... So tired alrdy cos of moving....

Last Try, Last Wish, My Destiny

It has been so long, too long, since i got the chance to sit down and just blog about my current haywire life. I look back at the past 1-2months as i listen to songs, and realise how much time i have wasted, how much pain i caused myself, how much i have chewed off, how much i have managed, how much i have failed, how much i have disappoint...

The past few days had been a torture. Yea sure it was fun on Sunday, when we went for outing with PeiPei. But i think because of all the stress and all the nights when i had to wake up in the middle of the night only to realise that it was a nightmare, it was because of all that, and i over stressed myself. Cycling had always been fun, but i might have played too hard on Sunday. Now i'm battling a severe backpain that don't seem to be going away. Not only that, all the stress of the upcoming common test... I mean the thought of having just 2 weeks left to prepare for the common test is freaking me out. But i guess i have to make a few decisions. There will be things i have to let go next two weeks, things i got to put aside because of school, test and everything.

Not only that, my life has been a torture the last few weeks. Every time i get to sit down to rest, i just don't feel like getting up after that. The pain in my back and the stresses about everything around me is really taking its toll, but there are things i want to do and things i don't wanna let go off. And the irony of this whole thing is that those things i do not want to let go of most are things that i love the most. I ask myself time and time again what i am living for, if my life is worth anything anymore, if i'm worth to anyone...

Yet i cannot be so stupid, so selfish to end my life. My suicidal thoughts are coming back again, but everytime i have them, i think about the people around me and i couldn't do it. I think about the people i care about, the people i love so much, but at the same time, i question myself of my worth, if i'm even worth any shit at all. I don't wanna die young, yet it seems like the best solution to all the problems.

I don't know anymore what to do, but i guess i'll just have to try one last time. If this doesn't work i might be ready to give up, and walk out on myself. If i cannot cure the demon in me, kick out the demon that lives within, my souls would already have been consumed and i wouldn't be living a life worth anything anyways. I'll try this one last time to put everything right and piece together this broken life of mine. That hope i'm clinching on to, i must hold on forever. At the least i should be glad i can still find the pieces, but trying to put them together would be a challenge. With my health just deteriorating, i simply don't know how long more i can last...

And if i couldn't make it, my only wish, my last wish, is for my friends and my family to move on from this, to understand that i'm just an idiot that didn't take control of my life and let my feelings get over me and consumed myself. Friends, don't follow my footsteps. Your lives must be worth much more. And to those who i've been kind to, for those who i've been tolerant with and for all those that i have always forgive, please just remember that i once existed. Just remember me and move on, i'm not worth your grieve. And to my family, all i can say is, i'm sorry. Sorry for disappointing all of you...

So now this is it isn't it? It is My Destiny now. I will see how things go. I will push my life through or crumble. It is my decision and only i alone can decide my fate. Death, or life, there is only one chance. This ain't a game, but even if it is, it has no revives, and i have already been playing for 19 years... Lets see how this will end, shall we?

Power of feelings

I have lost count already. Can't remember how many times i have posted something related to the Anime Fairy Tail. But honestly, it is the best anime ever. Their quotes are amazing and each of them is a fact that can be related to what we experience in real life.

Master Mavis Vemillion, the first master of the Guild Fairy Tail, said this quote at the magic games. She said, that "There are wallas that can't be broken through power alone. But if there is a power that can break through those walls. it is the Power of Feelings."

I have posted countless times, about how we can no longer live without friends in this world. Because in this world where dog eat dog, where the world is often thrown into chaos and most importantly, with the high cost of living and endless problems of our country, we definitely need friends we can trust, friends we believe in, and friends that will never leave.

Hold on to these feelings that your friends give you. Never let go of the bonds you have made with your friends over a quarrel or some minor things. All the troubles and fights you have been through with your friends should make you stronger and stronger. When your friends understand you, when your friends knows the difficulties you have, and when your friends are there for you, the worst you could do is to tell them, "Go away, i don't need you anymore."

These Bonds, these Feelings that you have developed with your friends, will forever be with you. They become your power, your strength. It is your choice, to either make sure you dont waste this power that you have been granted, or just do nothing about it and give up everything. Support from your friends is priceless. They are there for you always, even in your darkest hour. They help you overcome all your troubles, they study with you and keep you focused when you can't.

The power of feelings can break down any wall, push aside any obstacles and weather through any storms. It is your choice, to either push your friends aside and try to impress those that don't care, or hold on to your friends and tell them that they matter.

It is your choice, it is what give you the Power.

This is the Power to feeling, the Power of feelings..

Trust, the easiest word to say, the hardest to do

I can hardly count the number of times i have blogged about this topic.
I can hardly count the number of times people i have trusted stabbed me straight in my back
I will never forget the times i decided to trust, only to find the people i trust turning around and stabbing me straight in my back.

Yet these are the people who make me realise that there are people out there i really can trust.
They were right in front of me, while i was busy freaking out and trying to please those who didn't care about me. I ignored them, i forgot about them, i neglected them.
And now i realise the pain i have put myself through for months already, and the fact that i actually only need a handful of people i trust, instead of having a load of people around me, not knowing who will stay and who will leave the next moment.

My friends, i'm sorry that i try time after time after time to test if you all sold me out, if you all backstabbed me, instead of trying to believe and trust you all. I'm more than lost in my world now, i really no longer see the light that had always brightly lead the way.
It is kind of ironic, how i am now standing here in my living room, on my result day, typing and blogging about something i have already done before.
Yet today might just be the day.

Yesterday, i realised that i had what i have always wanted in front of my eyes. I found someone i could believe in and confide in.

Someone i could trust forever.

However, i feel insecure still even though i have found the someone.

Perhaps it is because of the time i have sacrificed for those who don't care about me.
It could be the energy that i have wasted trying to make things perfect for them.
Is this the reason i cry?
Because i feel that i have given my all for those people, and that i will never stop caring for them.
Of course time would tell if i really mean anything at all, and time would tell if i should still believe in them.
The number of time i am willing to overlook all the mistakes you people have made, is countless.
Time will tell the truth, and truth will be told.
I was put through all the pain, Karma will be a bitch to you people
Have your guard up, because karma will be a bitch.
Sacrificed so much to gain only so little.
"For what," I ask myself.
Those that didn't matter will never matter to me, but
Who are those that don't matter?
Care was what they have promised me, that they will be here for me and never leave my side
About time they remembered that promise isn't it.
"Me" will should disappear, and I will be gone, but what do they care?

"Come what may, we'll be here to stay"
Heard that line before maybe? From Singapore's NDP 2012 if i am not wrong
Remembering how happy i was in 2012 when everything was still normal, when everything still went as plan and went really smoothly...
I must say it is almost too painful, that friends come and go, even if you care so much about them, they just abandon you all together.
Sometimes you wonder how they can do that, how they can just forget about you.
The harsh reality is there, they can, and they have; they forgot everything you have done for them, they forget the times you tried so hard to make things perfect.
It hurt really bad to see your best friends forget who you are, especially when you thought they will be here forever; pains that left scars, memories that kills a part of you that still cared...
Never put those you trust, those who mattered to you through this kind of pain, because they do not deserve to go through that.
Enough is enough, there is not need to pass the pain to someone else, it can end with me, only i need to be alone, only i need to be completely destroyed.

& they say it is always the strongest that stands up strong and pull through the storm isn't it?

Queen on the chessboard is the strongest piece of the game, is it not?
It has the power of all the pieces in the chess game, the power to set fire to the game.
Whether the game is in your favour or not, you only need that one chess piece to survive.
Everything else can be ignored, you don't need anyone else isn't it?
No, my friends, you are wrong

Think about the times when you realised there was no one around you, and when i am the only one left that is willing to even listen to you, are you gonna come running back to me?
How about you think about the many times that you have thrown me away and push me aside?
And the countless times i begged you to stop turning the bloody tables?
No i won't let you, never again will i let you kill me again.
Kicking you out of my life would be the best option that i will never ever hesitate to do again.

Yet I'm stupid enough to stay and trust you, and care for you.
Only when you turn your back on me did i ever cry, and even if i did i had to sob in silence.
U didn't even bothered to ask if i was fine.

FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME, i think i can count just with my fingers.

And yet again, i am to trust you because i cannot think of any way not to.
I have to bare with the pain you have inflicted on me time after time, even after i begged you not to.

I'm tired of all the things that goes on and on, and i really just want everything to go back to normal
I want to trust you again. Please let me do that will you?

Let me trust you again will you?

Because, Trust is the easiest thing to say, but the hardest thing to do...