Feeling Insecure?

It has been 18 years 8 months 28 days 23 hours 7mins.
And as i type this long post, i'm sure the mins will slowly tick by.
I dare say it is barely days to my birthday, to the day i become nineteen.
When that day comes, it will be the day i have spent 19 years on this planet.

Yet, looking back at my past, i could never find a day that i felt secure. Since the day i learnt to walk and think with my own mind, since the day i start to make decisions on my own, since the day i first entered Primary one in Princess Elizabeth Primary School, i don't remember a single day in my life that i actually felt that i was secure.

I never had that safety envelope i thought i would have. I never had the ability to make myself feel safe. I remember never growing up, and thinking that if i make a mistake, i can just sit there and someone will come, and someone will help me correct the mistake. I still have in my mind, a vivid memory, on one fine day in my primary school, when we were having recess. I was just having my usual. Just a simple packet of chicken nuggets and a packet of HL Chocolate milk. And i was sitting down on the floor (we were renovating that time and the school didn't have a canteen. It was just the floor.) when i spilled my milk on the floor. Genius me just sat there and waited for someone to come and help me clean up the mess, because i spilled some of it on my pants. Eyes were staring straight at me. I felt insecure, afraid to be consumed by the stares, fearful about the teasing that would come non-stop from wetting my pants. Horrible day.

That wasn't it. Even till this day, i ask myself time after time, when did i listen to my parents to go and join the school's concert band (Princess E. Concert Band). It was the begining of much of my problems. The begining of all the teasing from my classmates, the begining of which i completely lost my self-esteem. To be frank with the world, as the only child, i was spoiled. No, not the kind of spoiled where i had everything i wanted. Not the kind where i go, "Daddy daddy! I wan that toy!" and i'll get it the next day. Neither did i have the privelage of going, "Mummy everyone have that i want one too!" It often came back being, "Too expensive" "No. Why do you want that just because everyone has it?"

No No No. That was not the spoiled i am talking about.

It was the, "Our son's safety first." "We need to teach him numbers and alphabets so that he will be the best" "Come on we can send him for that." "No son, you dont have the time, and we don't know if your friends are safe to hang out with." Every thing i wanted to do, i am faced with a question. Every thing i hope to get, like a Nintendo Gameboy, Playstation, a new computer; it was just never there for me. Am i a deprieved child? Did i have no childhood?

My parents were definitely over-protective. I thought i could have always lived in their shadow. I thought that if i had problems in school, all i needed to do was to cry out to Mummy and she will come to my rescue. That was exactly what i got. Yes, of course, i had a safety net. A safety net that i do not need. I didn't have the chance to go out to play. I didn't have any knowledge of any games that my friends were talking about. I couldn't socialise with majority of my classmates. I didn't have a clique like my classmates or even schoolmates had. I couldn't hold a conversation when my friends talk about games. I was, nothing but alone. I have an awesome family. My parents will always be there for me. Or are they?

Gradually i realised that i really had no true friends in my primary school. I had to walk home alone every single day after school. Most of the times i had recess alone. I could hardly find a friend to talk to in class. I had the reputation of being a sissy, some even called me a gay. I tried to let it go, yet every single time i just break down and cry and run away from my problems. I gave the bullies the reaction they wanted, and gave a reason for the few friends i had to turn their backs on me and walk away. It stays forever etched in my memories how painful it was to go home every single day crying and asking what was wrong with my life.

It was an imperfect Primary School life, one that i hated, and a scar that will never heal. I will never forget the bullies that i encouraged, the fake friendships that i had, the times i tried to buy over friends, and the times when i nearly thought that joining a gang would save me. I will never forgot the insecurity i felt in the final 3 years of my tattered Primary school life. I was... insecure.

Even when i thought i had a chance to start fresh in secondary school, the one person in my class i really completely didn't know or cared about, went around to dig up my past. It was a violent history that was manupilated by many. Stories that didn't exsist before popped up. Although different, it all revovled around the same thing. People thought, once again, that i was gay, that i was a sissy, that i only know how to cry. I thought this was just temporary, i thought i finally found my ground when i first started CCA. I thought it was normal to talk to the teachers as if they were just friends. I thought all the formalities could be ignored even though my seniors told me it was a must. I didn't care less about calling our band master Sir, or any of my seniors Sir/Mdm.

It wasn't long before i realised the problem really actually lies in me. My dream of being the best in CCA had never been accomplished. I left a more than worst first impression in my CCA i could ever imagine. It was something i never thought would happen. And even if it did happen, it was something i thought i could overcome. Yet that was never the case.

It took me month after month, day after day, hour by the hour, to try to change myself. I wanted to be someone who could hang out with my friends, who didn't give shit about how i was so dependent on my parents in the past. I needed people to believe in me, to know that i am not a sissy or a gay. I needed someone to tell me, that i was doing things right.

I could remember vaguely how i told myself, that i will put everything aside, that i will ignore all the insults, all the teasing, and all the bullying. I told myself that i will become a brick wall and shield myself from all the shit that was thrown at me. It was the final straw. I was at the brink of killing myself. I was again, as insecure as i have always been.

Where was that safety net i so dearly need from my parents now? Where were those two pairs of ears that had always listened to my complaints and the beloved parents that came to my aid?

It was then that i realised that i had finally had the freedom i always wanted, the freedom to make my own decisions, the freedom to decide to go out with my friends and just have fun. It was something that has never happened all my life, and it is finally happening. I couldn't take it all in. I was free. My parents were not home half of the time i was. I had the house to myself. I could sleep all day, play all day or watch tv all day. Even with the computer still locked, i had more freedom then i ever had in my life. It felt great.

However that one problem still remained.

I felt... insecure.

With all that crap happening again in a new school, i had no choice but to deal with it myself. I recall seeing counsellors both in my Primary and Secondary school. I was an emotional wreck. I cried half of my Primary and Secondary school life away. I had no ground to cover and no way to recover.

Having no one to talk to and hardly anyone understanding you was the worst part about this miserable life...i had to depend nearly completely on my own. My parents gave me the support that i needed. but it was hardly ever enough. I had no one in school, the very place i need more of that support.

Present day 29/5/2013 12:14AM.

I now have spent 18 years 8 months 29 days 0 hours 14min crawling, walking, breathing, living on Earth. Am i feeling secure? No. I have never been. The chance to make a mark in school or in CCA had been thrown at me time after time. I've grabbed a few and lost much of those chances. And even when i grabbed the few chances thate came at me, there was literally always someone better.

I could never feel secure in my life. Even though i have seniors and friends around me to guide me and give me support when i needed it, and even when i have close friends i consider to be my brothers, i still feel insecure and fearful of the future...

What am i to do? How do i calm myself down and not be afriad? When will i learn to be less paraniod about losing everything i have now? Will that day ever come, or will i be waiting in vain?

Maybe i will never know...